Trust Yourself

Trust: Facing the Music One Count at a Time

"It's time to face the music."

I started dancing at a very young age—like many girls did. All of us between the ages of 3-6, anxious to repeat the familiar fashion statement: pink tights, black leotard, hair out of the face (or in the face if it was one of those days), and dance bag with the shiny untied pointe shoe. We would be taken to and from class several times a week to see our friends and enjoy a moment of chatting, plies, tendus, and “L’ shaped port de bras.

Years past, and while my interest in dance never dwindled, by age 12 my interest in other activities grew. Unfortunately, as I explored other talents and interests, ballet, tap and jazz fell by the wayside. I wasn't too upset about it though, because I never felt like dance totally left me. I soon took up step (urban, not Irish) and served as a captain with some of my friends. By sophomore year of high school, a different group of friends at school encouraged me to reconsider jazz and contemporary again, so I joined the dance team with them. At that point, it had been a while since I had gone to class, but after a few weeks of conditioning, I proved not to be too far behind. This practice continued into college where I continued to pursue other interests including my degree in psychology and education, but I made sure join to a dance group on campus and attended regular ballet classes at The Dance Complex in Cambridge.

My second year of college, age 19, is when things shifted. I began to feel convicted and pulled to do more with my dancing. I'd have dreams night after night about it and write these down filling pages of my journal with plans, visions, and thoughts. Nights of these types of dreams turned to weeks, and I knew dancing was no longer meant to be a hobby, but something more. I wasn't sure how much more or what that was really supposed to look like, but I knew this meant I needed to step my game up. So I did. I started practicing more ballet and contemporary at home in addition to attending class, I started choreographing pieces both for myself and through teaching classes at my uncle's church and my dad's church, and performing at churches and non-faith based events in New England. In my fourth year of college, I excitedly accepted a teaching position as a Teach for America corps member in New Haven, CT, and would attend at least four classes per week on the side. Eventually I went on to teach ballet at Cooperative Arts and Humanities High School, and I would attend Graham, Horton, and Ballet intensives and workshops in New York City whenever I had the time off. All the while, I knew I was quickly growing into what I felt called and led to do. My dancing was improving quickly, and my flexibility had reached new lengths through all of the training. I was building my dance network in Boston and Connecticut, performing more, teaching more, and doing more with dance. I knew I was moving forward.

But it was a serious struggle to shake the insecurities when it came to auditions and higher level classes: "I never did competition when I was a child like everyone else, my extension is not by my ear; my triple pirouettes aren't very promising; my pointe line isn't beautiful; my legs aren't stick thin; I wasn't a dance major; my butt pokes out too much; i'm just not good enough and never will be!" I would always think, "would I ever become a professional? Could I be? What does this even mean? I don't have a degree so do I need to get one to be a 'real' dancer?" I had moments where I would wonder if I should stop dancing because I would never be exactly like ABT (American Ballet Theatre) dancers, or the like. I'd think "I'm getting old..maybe it is time to give it up." But then I'd remember the moment at age 19, and knew I could not slow down, which lead me to my graduate degree. I decided I wanted to start an arts organization where I would teach and choreograph powerful pieces. Thus I earned a degree from NYU in Public and Nonprofit Management and Policy.

Throughout my studies, I was able to fine tune my vision and refine my end goal through prayer and faith that this graduate school decision was the right one. My vision is still forming, but it is coming along, and I am building towards my goal. As the cards would have it, I continue to practice my arts craft while in New York City and have met so many world renowned dancers, game changers, arts advocates, arts enthusiasts, and arts researchers along the way. Many of whom I have admired for years and would never have thought I would meet. I've danced at venues I would never expect to, initiated exciting new projects I never thought I would initiate, and I've learned choreography *much* faster than I thought my brain could keep up with (this last one is *definitely* still a work in progress). 

But at the end of the day, the one thing I have learned is this: when you have a passion for something and you know you are called to do more with it, don't let the insecurities hinder you. Stay confident and dive in. As a woman of faith and Jesus follower, I am certain that what I am doing is not in vain. He has never failed me yet, and He has been a "good good Father" (that's for all of the worship leaders out there lol). I think about the scripture, Jeremiah 1. Essentially, Jeremiah was called by God as a child to be a great and powerful ruler over many nations. Jeremiah was worried that he might not say the right thing, do the right thing, or make the right decisions. He wondered, if he was even worthy of this calling and whether he was prepared and equipped for the responsibility. But just as the Lord spoke to Jeremiah and had a plan, He does for me and He does for you. As long as we are open to Him, and open to where He leads us, we can trust that everything will work out in the way it is meant to. 

It's time to face the music, let go and boldly move into what you are called to do. For me, it was taking my dancing more seriously so that I can use it to serve others. What will it be for you?

This is my closing prayer: Dear Lord, thank you for blessing me and giving me this passion that I love so much! Although sometimes I get SUPER stressed and discouraged, thank you for your strong conviction to never give up and to keep the faith. Please help me to stay open to your leadership rather than making my own hasty decisions without praying first. With that, please also help me to always remember that when I pray and have faith I need to put in work consistently, not just when it's seem fun/when I am energized. Help me to keep pushing. Thank you for your grace, and your mercy, and for always being a friend. I love you.